I have a sorry problem. Recently a friend pointed out to me that I say sorry entirely too much. It’s bad. Really bad. I know because I even hear myself saying sorry constantly, and I realize it sounds crazy, but I can’t help myself. It’s a tic. I am compelled to spout out the word sorry. I feel like I can’t breathe again until is say it. I am to the word sorry as Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory is to knocking on the door three times.
The worst part is how inappropriately I use sorry. Someone will point out how they screwed up and I say sorry. As if it is my fault they fucked up. I apologize to them despite having nothing to do with the situation. People find this offensive, but I can’t help it. I genuinely feel sorry they screwed up, so of course I say sorry.
It gets worse too. If someone physically runs into me with their cart at the grocery store, I say sorry. Yup. That’s right. They run into me and I apologize for it. As if I am sorry for my mere existence, for if I didn’t exist they wouldn’t have had the misfortune to run into me.
I even apologize when I do something commendable. Sorry, but I went ahead and finished that paperwork for you. Dear god it makes no sense. I am obliged to always say sorry.
I’m sure some psychologist somewhere would tell me it is because I don’t value myself as a human, and I do not feel worthy to walk the earth so I must constantly apologize for being alive. This is true occasionally for sure. Who doesn’t struggle with self esteem? However I believe the real reason, or at least the slightly less depressing one, is that I must clearly be secretly Canadian. Ohh gee, sorry to break it to ya, but it’s the truth. I bet I was actually adopted from a nice Canadian family, and all those stories about the day I was born are actually fabricated for my protection…sorry.