Eat All The Things

Does anyone else get nauseated when they are hungry?  I swear that is the reason I’m so fat.  Well that and my habit of eating cake for breakfast.

But seriously, when I let my tank run to empty I fight the dry heaves.  It is a truly awful feeling.  So I avoid it by stuffing my face all day long so I am never hungry, ever!

That does the trick, but it has nasty side effects of its own like not fitting into my fat jeans.  Luckily way in the back of my closet I have my morbidly obese jeans, so I’m rescued from the embarrassment of a trip to the “Oops! You’re So Fat You Need A Special Store-Store”.

I suppose I should try to eat a bunch of leafy greens and water chestnuts to stave off hunger instead of the usual chips and chocolate.  But alas, I don’t want to be skinny THAT bad.

It’s Almost Here…

Thanksgiving is coming!!!  I’m so excited; it is the one holiday that celebrates the two things I am best at: cooking and eating.  It is the one day of the year where stuffing your face until you have to unbutton your pants is not only expected but celebrated.  And what makes the day even more spectacular is napping afterwards to make more room for leftovers is just part of the schedule.

Personally I plan to carefully select my wardrobe for the day in order to accommodate for the face stuffing.  Stretchy pants are a must (obviously) but I am considering using spray on Scotch Guard this year on all my attire.  This way spills and crumbs will just slide right off.   Besides it would be more classy than tucking my napkin into my shirt and rolling up my sleeves.

Yesterday I began the pie preparations.  Despite there being only seven of us I will be making three pies.  That is practically half a pie per person since the seventh person is just a baby and does not yet know the natural wonder that is pie.  Besides I am also bringing supplementary desserts that are un-pie related.  The pie process must allow for proper resting time for my homemade dough.  Thus preparations begin early.  Today I brave the stores to elbow away the other ladies to get at the best Braeburn apples.  Bitches in my way get stitches!  Then I can begin apple nuditizing and nut roasting.  I can hardly wait!

So yeah, Thanksgiving is some serious business around here.  Go big or go home!  May all of your turkey and pie related dreams come true too!