I suffer from chronic foot in mouth disease, which is basically an affliction causing me to vigorously shove my own foot into my mouth using only my words. It afflicts me more than I would like to admit.
I find myself constantly saying shit and then realizing I have inadvertently insulted someone. Or worse, I give an opinion only to recognize that I have horrified everyone in the room, or I instantly look foolish as said opinion is promptly ruled ridiculous by the party at large. This leads me to believe I should never, ever say what I am thinking because somehow it is always wrong. It is also the reason I don’t like leaving my house; when I am sent into the wild there is no telling what will spew from my lips. Probably a foot, actually, as chances are I have already managed to shove it in there.
It seems safer just to shut up and never say anything out loud. Once I have shoved my foot in my mouth I feel so terrible that I want to crawl in a hole and die. This ins and outs of interpersonal communication baffle me. Just when I think I’m doing ok I say some shit and then commence the sleepless night replaying it in my head and cringing. Nothing I can say can make anything better. It totally blows.
I just want to be a good person, but it is really hard to exist with my mouth taped shut.