My feet hurt so freaking bad! Ugh! Every step feels like I am walking on jagged rocks that have been laying in a fire pit all day. Searing pain hits my heels as soon as I put any weight on them. It has been like this for two years. I’ve seen doctors, had injections, wear insoles, special shoes, rubbed ice on my feet, used massage, gotten frozen water bottles to roll my feet on- I have done everything. They still hurt every damn step.
My last doctor basically looked at me, called me fat, said that this would keep happening until I lost weight, and sent me on my way telling me to eat more fruits and vegetables. I get it. I know he’s right.
But what doctor’s never understand, the thing they can never wrap their heads around, is that I wish I could do what they say. I wish it more than anything in the world. I wish it so hard it hurts. But I can’t. I can’t because the only way I have ever known to face this big scary world is by arming myself with food to help ease the pain. Food is my drug of choice to get through the bad times and the good.
I am an expert at finding just the right food to medicate for each situation. Feel anxious? Have some licorice. Feeling sad? Here’s some cocoa. Need a hug? Have more bread and butter. I know just the fix for each feeling. It is my world. Doctors don’t get it. How could I possibly face the world without my medicine?
I would love to loose weight. I would kill to be skinny. It would be so much easier to make it through the day without the stares from strangers, jokes whispered from behind, pain in my feet, and lack of energy for life. But I can’t. I’m stuck. This is all I know, and I am in a vicious circle that keeps me trapped.
It should be simple. I should just stop and face the world, vulnerable, without using food as a drug. It should be simple, but it is not. I don’t know why but it seems impossible to me.
So I will hobble through this world with pain in my feet and heart. I will live the best that I can and try to ignore the hate and agony the world sends my way. I can always just have a candy bar, right?