Cats: Ancient Beings

Today in an effort to procrastinate from all things productive, I looked up the conversion chart that shows cat ages in human age equivalents.  It explains a lot:

Past age five cats are basically old.  It’s that simple.  Apparently cats spend the majority of their lives elderly.For anyone who has ever owned a cat that certainly would explain their constant sleeping, general grumpiness, attention seeking behaviors, and demanding nature.  Chances are your cat is way older than you, and you damn well better get off your lazy butt and bring me some food, you little whipper-snapper!

My cats Lucy and Ethel are apparently 72 and 60 respectively.  That certainly explains these sort of looks I get from Lucy:

But I assure you despite being a septuagenarian, Lucy still tries to be alluring from time to time:

Good for her!  Now I have to go and get them both some food before they get pissy with me.

Cat’s Out of the Bag

My cat hates me for saving her life.  I give up.  I was just trying to get her out of the plastic bag she had crawled halfway inside.  Like any good parent these days, I did take a picture of her predicament first before stopping to render aid. 

Stupid me figured dying of asphyxiation wasn’t on her kitty-cat to do list for the day.  Instead of a thank you purr or nuzzle I got hissed and swatted at.  You’re welcome cat.  Don’t let her innocent furry face fool you…she’s pure evil.

Cat Pee Didn’t Stop Me

This may be the drugs talking, but I am feeling much happier and more relaxed today.  Despite discovering a cat pee soaked towel in the bathtub I am feeling pretty damn good, which is saying something.

The last few weeks uncertainty and self doubt have had me in a snare.  It’s felt  inescapable.  As soon as I would start to feel better about the rest of the world, I would find something I said or did to perseverate worry on.

I haven’t had a break from my own head at all lately.  Trying to stay busy helps, but then I find myself worrying about having to stay busy.  When I fall down the rabbit hole of anxiety I swear I become the most creative worrier known to man.  I can always find something new to freak out about.  I wish I were that good at ideation in the rest of my life.

With the help of my husband, prescribed pharmaceuticals, getting lost in a few books and movies, and some extra sleep I seem to be doing a bit better.  I know I will shake it off, eventually.  I always do.  Besides, the cat pee didn’t send me into a total panic, so ehhh maybe I am moving towards the bright side.

He’s Just Jealous

A few weeks ago I was reading the hard news from the reputable source, BuzzFeed.  Yeah I know, but what can I say I am half Millennial, we have already covered this.

Anyway one of their quizzes was about into which house in Harry Potter your cat would be sorted.  Well, duh!  When presented with a scientific opportunity like this of course I am going to participate.

So I decided to take the quiz for my cat, Lucy. 

lucy

Lucy is 13 and ornery as shit, but I love her dearly.  I had to answer hard hitting questions about her napping and eating habits.  There were questions about her choices in play activities and where she would be found hanging out in Hogwarts.  It was intense stuff.

Butterflies fluttered in my tummy as I pressed the last answer and Lucy was sorted into her house… A Gryffindor!!!

gryffindor

Now even though I have been sorted into the clearly superior house of Ravenclaw, I was still incredibly proud of my furry little Gryffindor.  I tugged at Ryan and contentedly waved my phone in front of his face showing him Lucy’s new house.

He was not nearly as impressed as he should have been, but he did ask me where his cat, Ethel, was sorted.  To which I replied, “Take the damn quiz yourself and find out.”  He was having none of that.  Apparently he is above spending his precious time taking on-line quizzes for cats.  I don’t know what is wrong with him.  Being the devoted wife I am, I told him I would take the quiz for Ethel as well.

ethel

She’s a Slytherin.

slytherin

Ryan didn’t believe me.  He couldn’t believe it could possibly be his cat that was tempted by the dark arts.  I promise I was honest though.  I suspect Ethel’s habit of unprompted biting and her inability to tolerate lap sitting had something to do with the results.  Ryan pouted, and I explained I was sorry that his kitty was clearly lacking in moral fiber, but this was a scientifically based test and Ethel had obviously been sorted correctly.

I would never embarrass my husband by telling the world how much he pouted about his cat being a Slytherin.  I am too faithful a wife to say that he was grumpy about it every time I brought it up.  And I promise, I only brought it up like 50 more times or so…that day.

Oh, The Elderly

I have an elderly cat named, Lucy.  She has been with me since she was five weeks old and now she is 13.  She has never been a particularly friendly cat, but I love her anyway.  Her aloofness makes those few moments when she does decide to snuggle even more special.  Usually it is in the winter and she is honestly just sitting in my lap to use me for my body heat, but I still treasure ever second she acts like a lap cat.

In her old age she is developing some annoying little habits though.  Suddenly she had become the litter box monitor.  If there is not enough litter in the box or if she thinks it is too dirty she sends me little messages.  Her little messages appear right outside the box, and they are hard to ignore.  She has me trained pretty well.  As soon as she leaves her note I get her box spick and span for her fluffy little ass.

I can’t blame her really, I mean nobody likes a dirty toilet.  I just wish her communication skills were a little less smelly and hard to clean up.

Why Can’t I Just Hold You

I wish I could hold my cats without them trying to murder me.  I know it is not their fault.  I have a habit of finding my animals in the wild and bringing them home.  Who knows their true parentage.  It could be the local tom-cat or perhaps a daemon spawn from hell.  You just can’t be sure.  I love both my foundling girls dearly, but neither will put up with any of my bullshit when it comes to trying to cradle them.

When Lucy was younger she would claw at me to get sweet release.  Now she has taken to a new strategy in her old age of just letting go her bladder and pissing all over me.  She gets her point across fast.  I suppose it is just a sign of her brilliance that she has learned a way to get free with so much less effort than using her claws.

Ethel on the other hand is not as bright.  She chooses to earn her freedom by crying out like you are killing her until you are convinced you might actually be hurting her and you let her go out of guilt.  This strategy takes much more time and effort on Ethel’s part, but hey, this is coming from the same cat that manages to lock herself in rooms by closing the door and then frantically wails because she is stuck.  Now all of our doors have to have doorstops to help our mentally challenged cat from becoming entrapped.  We accommodate her only because she is kind of cute and cuddly.

Maybe someday I will have one of those cats that you can pick up and pet without fear of piss or claws.  A girl can dream.

cats

Useless!

Yesterday I was viscously attacked in my own home.  It was horrifying.  You think that home is a safe place until the unthinkable happens to you.  In my struggle to get to safety I did manage to get a photo of the invader:

gecko

I know it is a blurry picture, but I was too scared to get close so I had to use the shitty zoom function on my phone.  Don’t let his size fool you.  Those beady little eyes mean trouble.  As I climbed my own walls in disgust this little bastard just made his happy ass at home.  He crawled up onto the sofa like he owned the place.

Home alone, I cried out to the cats for help.  After all they spend many evenings staring at the front door, oblivious to the physical properties of glass, trying to kill creepy crawly things on the other side.  I figured I would finally take my payback for all that kibble I have been buying over the years by having them knock off the intruder for me.

First the old cat Lucy tried:

luck and gecko_Fotor3

Now annoying as her ignorance was I figured she is past her prime and perhaps she just couldn’t see the little bugger.  I reluctantly forgave her and went in search of the younger, more spry cat.

ethel and gecko_Fotor2

Son of a bitch!  That pussy just sat her ass down on the couch with the gecko to Netflix and chill or something.  TRAITOR!!!

Sometimes I don’t know why I keep these cats.  Luckily my husband came home in a few minutes and he was able to rescue me using a pickle jar. 

ryan and gecko

My hero!

My Pussy Has A Brazilian

You know how sometimes changes sneak up on you.  Like one day everything seems totally normal, and then the next day suddenly shit has gone down and it is a total surprise.

Yeah, well this morning I woke up to this:

cat with brazilian

That is my cat Ethel, and yes, what you are looking at is some kind of Brazilian wax look she has managed to obtain.  Yes, those are her nipples you are looking at, it is scandalous I know. 

cat with brazilian_Fotor

It is actually quite the mystery.  I swear to god yesterday she had a belly full of luscious fur.  Today, naked.  I have a few theories about the missing hair:

A. She is molting.

B. Ethel is so tubby that her belly is dragging on the stairs and nuditizing itself.

C. She is pulling it our herself because of some unknown kitty stress that is serious affecting her sanity.

D. Or perhaps there is some tom-cat that Ethel just wanted to look a little sexy for.

I am now going to have to call the vet and explain that my cat has mysterious awoken with an unexplained bikini wax this morning.  Let’s see how that goes over.

#PETAdon’thatemeIamtakinghertothevet