Earlier in the week I went on a shopping trip. It was glamorous, let me tell you. Among the items on my list was toilet paper. Everybody poops. Anyway, as I wandered down that aisle I realized just how confusing toilet paper math has gotten. It is out of freaking out of hand!
It is a Mega Roll? Well according to the packages 12 Mega Rolls is equal to 24 Big rolls. But WTF is a Big Roll? I found the Big Rolls, but then I decided I really only needed a Regular Roll. I went looking for that and it seems everyone’s shit is out of control, because regular sized rolls don’t exist anymore.
Then I saw that another company offered a Jumbo roll that evidently equals twice the size of a Double Roll, which is just damn confusing. The Double Roll is apparently twice the size of a Standard Roll, so we are definitely dealing with exponents here people. Anyway, don’t even try to locate the Standard Roll because it seems to also no longer survive in the wilds of the toilet paper aisle.
Then the really funny math starts when you look at how they describe the types of paper. Apparently a single square of Premium paper has the cleaning power of four squares from the Regular two ply brand. This I find terrifying because I fear that means some idiot is trying to wipe his bum with only one square of paper, eww.
But wait there’s more. The Ripples are fucking magical. At least that is what it seems, as the packaging says Ripples beat out Quilted squares ten to one. What ever the hell that means. But don’t go over and reference the Quilted brand because it will tell you Quilted squares are better for your butt and also cure breast cancer…or they are donating to the research or something. I don’t know, at this point I had begun to pace the aisle while frothing at the mouth like a rabid dog in captivity.
I would tell you about the Soft and Strong versus Ultra Soft debate, but I think that may induce me to seizure. Honestly if you want more information, may I direct you to the Good Housekeeping Review and Testing site on the internets. Because apparently toilet paper is now so complex that the wise folks over at Good Housekeeping felt the need to analyze important factors such as absorbency, plumbing response, paper break down, and thickness of all the major brands in order to provide you, the consumer, with the definitive guide to the 20 best toilet papers. Happy Reading.
This is freaking out of hand. Somebody find me a Sears Catalogue. I’m going to put it by the pot and kick it old school one page at a time.