Everyone feels bad about the plight of the male ladybug, but many other insects struggle with their identities. Consider the turmoil and pains of the following bugs:
-Dung beetles with OCD who would sooner die than roll up balls of pooh
-Wasps that are really Jewish
-Swallowtail butterflies who prefer to spit
-Hot yellow jackets who don’t enjoy wearing outerwear
-Bumblebees on OK Cupid
-Homeless houseflies
-Daddy long legs that can’t have children
-Carpenter ants who prefer decoupage
-Atheist praying mantis
-Vegan mosquitoes
-Fleas that really don’t like The Red Hot Chili Peppers
-Diabetic honeybees
-Dragonflies that prefer non-fiction
-Black widows who are actually widowers
-Stink bugs that wash regularly and take great pains to smell nice
-Mayflies born in April
-Junebugs born in May
-Cockroaches with vaginas
-German cockroaches who are American citizens
-Fireflies who do not enjoy tales about space cowboys
I hope there is a support group out there for these creatures. Maybe it meets in a church basement where the insects eat cookie crumbs while sipping water from the dripping window unit as they commiserate about their issues. It’s a tough life for these bugs. Everybody needs a little support in this crazy world.
Wine, Beer, Liquor — All liquids capable of alerting your mental state are appreciated as gifts. Consider these gifts for that nervous friend who could really use a little relaxation or a blackout. (Note: Please refrain from gifting these items to people in 12 step programs, that is a massive faux-pas even during end-times.)
Hulu Subscription — This is a great gift for the friend who has reached the end screen of Netflix, which until the apocalypse, no one realized it existed.
Stamps — Remember stamps? Yeah, that’s right snail mail is back in vogue, as it is the only way we have to physically reach out into the real world. So give the gift of stamps, shit they are 55 cents each now? Who knew?
Toilet Paper — This is an obvious one, it is more valuable than gold at this point. Do not give such a precious gift lightly; this is an item to give a truly precious person because nothing says love like TP.
Puzzles — Shelter in place is hard, and puzzle help relieve the monotony. Hell, they are practically the new Instagram as far as time-wasting goes. There is nothing like jamming together oddly shaped pieces of cardboard to ward off insanity.
Oranges — Give these to ward off scurvy — duh! Oranges are just the thing for our homebound friends living on a diet of ramen noodles.
Kleenex — Tissue is a great gift for the weeping associated with the loss of your freedom, or for the coughing associated with the plague. Either way it’s a win!
Coloring Books — Suddenly all those crappy adult coloring books aren’t looking so bad. Give the gift that allows the recipient to while away the hours of confinement filling in tiny white spaces with color. It’s both soothing and you can put the finished pictures of your refrigerator as a log of your imprisonment.
Plants — These are a great gift especially if they are edible plants because they can feed you, entertain you, and give you a reason to live. No one wants to die AND be a plant murderer, so you should just go ahead and keep waking up and getting out of bed at least to water the plants if nothing else.
Paper Towels — This is a second-tier friend gift, not something for your bestie, but still fancy enough for a good friend. These are just scarce enough to show you really care.
Canned Goods — No one says no to evaporated milk now, baby! Give a variety of vegetables, beans, and even the coveted canned tuna fish if you can find it. This gift will surely make someone’s day and dinner!
Hand Sanitizer — If toilet paper is gold, hand sanitizer is sterling silver! Giving a bottle of hand-sanitizer says, “I love you enough to want you clean!” What a romantic gesture!
Candy or Ice Cream — This gift says, “If you are going down you might as well do so with a belly full of sugary joy!” It is bound to give the recipient at least a few moments of pleasure as the world around them crumbles. Besides, who wants to go through the apocalypse on a diet!
A Block of Velveeta — Suddenly the shelf-stable cheese product looks oddly…sexy? Yes, Velvet is a great gift for the sassy friend or lover that has everything.
50 Pound Bag of Rice — I have just saved your life, you’re welcome! This gift really shows you want the recipient to survive, at least for another month.
M95 Masks — NO, YOU JERK!!! GIVE THAT SHIT TO THE HOSPITALS, STAT!
Try sleeping on your human’s shoe where you can enjoy deep inhales of the footy-fragrance as you drift off to dreamland. As an added bonus, if you wake up with the need to cough up a fur ball you have the perfect receptacle right beneath you.
The magazine the human is actively reading is a great place to lay. Sure you have to hiss and spit a little to get the human to relinquish it to you. But once accomplished you can smother yourself in those glossy pages.
The bed is a spectacular spot for a nap, and no I’m not talking about the pet bed the human purchased for you. That is for suckers like the dog. No, you get the human’s bed. Sprawl out and relax in the comfort go their expensive memory foam mattress. It’s lush, it’s plush, it’s yours. Scream if the human tries to move you or sleep comfortably in the bed with you. Lay on their face and claw it in your sleep. Should the human treat you poorly by say going on vacation or having friends over, don’t be afraid to pee all over the bed. They will buy a new one. They always do.
Your human’s lap is cozy in the winter, but you have to put up with that damn human trying to pet you all the time. I mean seriously keep your hands to yourself, human. No means no! Let me suck up all your heat, but no touchy-touchy. I reserve the right to bite and swat if you insist on giving unsolicited petting.
On top of the refrigerator is an excellent way to get some of your fur to inevitably fall into your human’s food no matter how much dusting they do. Also, it is warm and features a pleasant humming vibration to lull you into slumber.
Stay on the look-out for when your human gets up from the sofa to get a snack. Immediately steal their seat as it will be toasty-warm and cozy. You will have to commence defensive tactics such as swatting with claws out when they return and find you inhabiting their spot. Stay tough though and after a few scratches, the human will eat their chips far from you on a rickety chair everyone avoids. Be sure to stare at them so they know who is the real boss.
Sleep in the Christmas tree, not under the tree, under is for chumps and you are a cat, not a chump. Crawl up in there and nestle yourself between your human’s most priceless glass ornaments to ensure they will not try to remove you. Pro tip — chew on some pine needles while you are there for later vomit and diarrhea ammunition in the event your human displeases you.
And last but not least, I would be remiss if I did not mention that inside the dryer is NOT a good place to sleep. Do not be fooled by the allure of the heat. Many cats have perished this way! However, clean clothing in a laundry basket fresh from the dryer makes a perfect nest for an afternoon snooze. Plus, the human will be extra annoyed when all their black pants now feature your fur.
How is it possible for a throat to be this sore? I looked at it in the mirror and the damn thing looks fine, but god forbid I try to swallow my own spit. I might as well be swallowing lava. I will never understand how a little drainage from my sinuses can turn the back of my mouth into the ninth circle of hell. This feels like a design flaw, and I feel like God should do a recall and fix this shit.
I should be having a productive and fascinating day. Instead I’m going to go take a nap. I just don’t want to be conscious anymore.
You never see a fat unicorn. They must have some special kind of metabolism. Maybe they have a magical aura that makes them perfect in every way. How else can you explain how Every last one of them is svelte with a shiny coat and prominent horn.
Raccoons are not so lucky. Half those suckers are fat chunks of fur. Sure on occasion, one will scale a 25 story building in the midwest.
But they will also sit on their bulbous asses and eat handfuls of food like its are going out of style.
Welcome! I’m so glad you came, and in such large droves too. I felt so special when I opened my subscribers page to find all of you there waiting for me.
I told my husband about you and he got all grumpy and started talking about ways to destroy you. Don’t worry, I was able to calm him down. I just explained you are benevolent overlords and that I had no reason to assume you were here for nefarious purposes. In fact, I suspect you just like to read rants about cats and the ridiculous size of chicken breasts these days.
Anyway, make yourselves at home. Just don’t try anything sneaky, or else I will have to call up that Rami Malek fellow and have him throw down some Mr. Robot shit on your ass.
I got a gravity blanket for Christmas. Now every time I change the sheets it’s like doing cross fit. This thing is 25 pounds of floppy dead weight. Wrangling it back onto the bed is like moving a dead body, or so I’ve been told…
Anyway, the way I see it now every time I pull it up to go to sleep I’m burning calories. Maybe even the added pressure on my chest burns calories as my lungs struggle to inflate with the added weight. Or it could be that I am delusional from the oxygen deprivations. Who knows?
Calories aside, sleeping under a weighted blanket makes me happy. It is like being swaddled. And apparently even in my late thirties I still crave a tight swaddle.
Yesterday I walked onto my porch and came upon a crime scene. I immediately suspected foul play…or perhaps fowl play? Overnight, in a murderous rampage, the killer desecrated a home and murdered a child. Judging from the amount of debris it looks to have been a brutal affair.
I immediately texted my sister, a lawyer, to solicit her services as I know, from true crime podcasts, the importance of good legal representation in situations such as this.
It turns out when an animal that regularly licks its own butt bites you, it’s really hard avoid infection. That’s how I wound up at the doctor’s office after my cat bit me.
I arrived for my appointment a little bit early, so I settled into a chair to wait. I did the usual fiddling with my phone, but that got old after a while.
Then in my boredom, I gazed up at the magazine rack on the wall. Behold what I saw:
Yup. Shuffled in with the Redbook and D-Magazine is that crowd favorite, Handguns magazine. I know I live in Texas and none of this should surprise me. But seriously?!? You know somebody is sitting there in that waiting room to get a refill on their Prozac. Are handguns the best thing for them to be reading about?
Fuck! Am I the crazy one or does anyone else think Hippocrates is rolling over in his grave?
